mutiny on the mailbox

mutiny on the mailbox, originally uploaded by jilly71.

backtracking, part 1

One night I packed a bag big enough for me and the luggage compartment on a plane. Sometimes, these aren't usually the same things, but I managed.

I got on a plane. This did not make me smile. The world is in a lot of pain thanks to fuel consumption. I will one day tell children of the days when we carelessly and recklessly got in big iron birds and traveled to far away lands with nothing more than a few days of clothes. This, I hope, will make me smile. Oh the folly of life. Driving across the country! You didn't!

I got to Winnipeg at almost midnight. I swear to blog land that Winnipeg smells like jasmine and lilacs  at night. I've smelled it twice. Maybe not in the winter, but I vow to not be in Winnipeg in the winter so I wouldn't know. I drove round and round looking for a tiny bar and stayed for maybe 10 minutes. Just enough time to be embarrassed "do you want to pay for the book I sent you too?!" ( I thought it had been a gift). I drank 2 cups of coffee and left. It was worth it to get the book. It's a very funny book.

I headed out on a road heading south. I figured I'd find it eventually- the main highway south that is. What I found was a secondary highway instead and passed through a small town call Domain.

A small town I'd never heard of and I've become oddly familiar with small town Manitoba in the last year. Something didn't smell right and it wasn't the cow manure. I took the first road going west..a connecting road. If you've ever been driving in the middle of the prairie at 1 am fueled on 2 cups of coffee, a dirt road connecting the secondary to the main is a bit freaky, especially at 120k.. gravel can twist your tires into the direction of a ditch if you're not careful.

After spotting what looked like a small gremlin in my toothpick eyes..

and deciding it was more likely a jack rabbit












I managed to get to Morden, Manitoba where my hosts were sound asleep. So, I did what any weary traveller would do.. I let myself in, left a note I was in the house, and went to bed.

I went to Morden to see my friend Denise who is packing up her house of many trinkets and setting off on an adventure to teach English in Vietnam for a year. She helps organize a sweet little Music Festival call the Back 40 where the best thing I saw was a band call the Doug and Jess band. That and a woman selling photo booth photos for 5 bucks. She was cool. Here's Jess and her husband fella Jeremy. Doug is her dad. If you look at the photos, he's the cool guy in the hat.

IMGP0004-1, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Jess wore a pretty dress and I took a bunch more photos.

And then I got some more of the prairies. 

I love to try and capture the birds and the crickets and the rain dew, but I never quite catch the silence. 

I also didn't eat the Saskatoon Perogies, to which I regret, but I did buy a vintage tin that says SNAP on it. I did have a most excellent time.

It'll be a while before I go back to Morden with Denise being away. I drove back to Winnipeg at the crack of dawn, dropped off the car, realized I'd left behind my camera batteries, got a coffee and  resumed my planet smashing journeys..

trippy

I just booked a whirlwind journey just because.

I'm off to Winnipeg, Manitoba where I'll rent a car and drive to the beautiful small town of Morden, to see an old friend of mine who helps organize a music festival there. She's going to Vietnam for a year to teach English and I figured.. why not!

From Morden, and back to Winnipeg I'll fly to Toronto where I'll work for 2 weeks to train a lovely girl to fill in for me while I'm away on holiday. When in Toronto, I get to stay right downtown on Spadina and Front. Maybe htis time, I'll get to see a bit of the city. Maybe my sister can come and visit from Ottawa. Maybe I can fly to Chicago for the weekend? Ooh there's an idea.

From Toronto, I'm flying to Calgary to spend some time in Alberta. My grandmother is turning 89 and there's a bit of a family reunion. Maybe I'll go to Edmonton and catch up with some old friends.

I fly out of Calgary for ...New Orleans.. one of my favorite cities in the US. It was pricey. Almost like going to Havana. Initially, the idea was to rent a car and drive around the swamps and small towns/ plantations.. but that was really pricey. I was looking at sleeping in the car under an old oak tree. Um. no. Just my luck and I'd park on the bad side of town on the wrong side of the street. So,  instead, I'll ride the streetcar named Desire and take a lot of photos of weeping willows, lone trumpet players and wrought iron balconies. Something I didn't do the 1st time I was there. I will eat the beignets again and the incredible chicory coffee from Cafe Du Monde and I'll make a penance at Marie La Veau's tomb.

I think I'll go back to Preservation Hall as well.

I will rent a car though.. for a day or so, so I can transport myself the 4 hrs west to Port Arthur, Texas- birthplace and childhood home of Janis Joplin. Sadly, when I was there before I took NO PHOTOS. It's too bad.. it's kind of a kooky dump.. but I'm kind of nuts about Janis Joplin. Don't ask why, not even I know why. There's some pretty weird swamp areas around there.. maybe I'll see an Alligator. Maybe I'll see some oil wash up on the shores. Maybe I'll have a life changing event.

And then I'll fly home to Vancouver and have a bit of a time off.

Maybe I'll go camping.

the 9 o'clock phenomenon

Every night where ever you are in Vancouver, you'll hear a "boom" and when you do you can rest assured it's 9 o'clock. The 9 pm cannon fires like clock work as it has for 107 years. For the 10 years I've lived in Vancouver, I've never seen it in person until last night when Michael and I were wondering what to do.. so we went to see it.. and you can hear/ see it too. Listen carefully for the echo when the sound hits the buildings across the Burrard Inlet.

blooms of the cherry variety

sunny Scottsdale

I've been ensconsed at the Valley Ho Hotel since Tuesday..As you can see from the photos, it's not a bad place to be trapped. It's an oasis of retro cool. A flashback to the rat pack around the corner. You expect to see Dean Martin holding court at the hotel bar. It's been alot of fun. I even extended my stay one day. Tomorrow I'll leave this island in search of something.. hotpefully out of the sun.

A friend snapped this picture of my picture show.

Hi Mom..

You're gorgeous. Thanks for the good genes.

Thanks for being my mother when I needed one instead of my friend. Thanks for being my friend when I could get on without a mother.

Thanks for pursuing your goals and setting a good example.

Thanks for your kindness, generosity of spirit and love.

Thanks for teaching me how to cook, sew and do my own laundry.

Thanks for teaching me how to be good with money and save for a rainy day.

Thanks for taking me on trips and teaching me the value of travel.

And most of all...thanks for it all being utterly and endlessly unconditional.

Oh.. and thanks for naming me Jill.

Love,
Me.

PS. I can't believe you wore a tiara either.What was with the horned rimmed glasses?

artist's statement

Havana is a poem unwritten. Melodies belch from the old Chevy and Buicks. Children yell songs in the streets and nearby the horses hooves tap out a somber beat. The men whistle and hiss to the tune while the Hemingway lookalike's sitting at the sleepy bars, keep time jostling their pocket coins to the fans beating the air. All of it under the dark pages of the night, barely recognizable if not for a few flickering lights.

From the moment I'd heard of the strange island country embargoed from the rest of the world, I'd wanted to go. The soupy mysteries of Che, Castro and the Mafia and the famous Hemingway legacy. The country is a sleepy time capsule; dusty and ornate, majestic and crumbling- the limestone doesn't stand up well to the salty time. Jose Marti once said, "Charm is the product of the unexpected." I don't know if he was referring to Cuba or not, but it's the best way to describe what you'll find when you go.

I am a self taught photographer.

a Ruby blessing

brush your teeth in style

I love these toothbrushes. I saw them one day shopping in one of the local organic grocery shops. I thought it might be some sort of good karma to brush my teeth with a toothbrush made of recycled dollar bills. I also really liked that I could recycle the bristle head and keep the handle over and over again. That totally solves my 3 month dilemma in choosing a color/brand of toothbrush.

So yeah, I recommend them. They're cool. They're ergonomic. My sister saw them and made me mail her 3. You'll see them and fall in love with them too. Then there was the day when I used my boyfriend's old toothbrush that was lurking in a dark bathroom corner to scrub the bathtub grout.. you so wouldn't do that with one of these. But they're also kind of pricey. But you know what, the world is being filled up with thrown away "conveniences" which is not exactly convenient for the planet though.

Not sold on them just yet.. if you can't find them where you live and don't want to order online? I'll send you one. You can send me a money transfer.

If not yet convinced.. Here's some interesting facts.. Now go brush your teeth.It's fun with a handle made of recycled dollar bills. Trust me.

a rogue pink

IMGP0072, originally uploaded by jilly71.

IMGP0032

IMGP0032, originally uploaded by jilly71.

I hung my first photography exhibit  the other day. Naturally, I documented it.  

You can see the rest of the set here .

mood: excited

I'm off to go hang my first photography show.

IMGP0057, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Skagit County

IMGP0060, originally uploaded by jilly71.

. I went to the Skagit County Tulip Festival yesterday. It's an incredible thing to see these vast tulip fields. You can see the whole set here .

If I had a Penny- an exhibition of photos from Cuba

There will be an exhibition of images I captured from my travels through Havana and Cuba, running from 21 April to 19 May.

Hosting the show is Pane Vero- a lovely little bakery/cafe in the Commercial Drive area, located between Parker and Venables.

There won't be a gallery opening or an artist in attendance night, but please go down and take a look and say hi to the proprietors, Kelly and Claudio.

link to the photos
link to Pane Vero

Vaisakhi

On Saturday, it was the annual Vaisakhi celebration in Vancouver. Vaisakhi is a Sikh celebration of spring and a new harvest year. One of the things I like most about it, is that mopst women wear the traditional sari. The colors are always so rich and vibrant. It didn't hurt that it was also a beautiful spring day in Vancouver. It was also incredibly busy.. so I snapped a few photos and didn't stick around. It was impossible to move or get to the many many booths of samosa, dahl, rice and chai. But it was fun. I like all Spring festivals.

visitors..

So.. I'm driving down the street with Michael and i get a call from a Alberta phone number I didn't recognize and I almost didn't take the call, but did.. cuz you never know..

It turned out to be my uncle Ken.. one of my 3 favorite uncles, son of my beloved grandfather and all around terribly wonderful human being.

He likes to blow into town unexpectantly. He left Alberta at something like 9am and burned his way over here with my mother's husband, and my cousin (his son) John.

"Where is my mother and Jane (my aunt)?" I asked.

Sorry you couldn't be here too... 

I snapped this rather poor image on my phone to commemorate the event. Now.. back to bed.

where have you gone?

Dear immune system... have you taken a leave of absence without notice? Maybe you went on a holiday and didn't tell me? Please come back.

I'm sick again with chest congestion, sinus, headache, aches and I have a fear of the plague of balck mold in Vancouver. Could it be the reason I've been sick since New Year's Eve?

Blogging will resume shortly.

45 things for 39

I just got back from spending a few days on the other side of the country. I went to Ottawa to see my lovely sister, Catherine and she took me to Montreal where she has a friend and we stayed at her very sweet and tiny apartment. Astrid was kind enough to let me camp in her tiny kitchen. 

In her equally tiny bathroom, she had a sheet of paper taped to the wall. I glanced at it quickly, but long enough to make a mental note to look up the author. I did and today..it seems fitting today to post these 45 things..

I don't agree with them all (#8, 34 & 38..) I kind of needed to hear a few of them.. (#13, 29 & 41) and I can tell you for certain.. #14 would have been really useful to hear when I was 15 and 21. 

What's your favorite?

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift..

Is it all smoked meat??

Montreal.. I wish I had more time here. Time to visit all the famous delis and bagel shops. Seriously, they make a lot of bagels here. We went to St. Viateur's and the Fairmount Bagel  places.. but more so than beigels.. Montreal is known for their smoked meat. Like at Schwartz's Deli. We went there last night for the famed Montreal Smoked Meat (I'm sorry.. it's better to my tastebuds, at least.. in Vancouver. I think because it's cut thin and steamed hot.)

Here's a little video I made at Schwartz's.


I'm here with Catherine, my sister and her friend Astrid who has been lovely to let Catherine and I camp on her kitchen and living room floors, saving us from a stinky and non private hostel. As I only have a few hrs left.. best to get going...

trippy

I'm on a train.

Somewhere in Ontario.

If I squint, I can pretend it's Europe and my sister lives in Paris.. not Ottawa.

T to the dot.

Hello Toronto,

I like your wind turbines on the way into downtown. I wanted to let you know. It seems like a giant alien art project in motion. Sometimes when I feel big city-ish I also enjoy all the blinking lights, car horns and arteries of cars pumping humanity in and out of the city core. It reminds me of New York City a bit. You and all your skyscrapers! But you know.. I don't really enjoy your big city ways. You have some pretty impressive freeways and commuter belts. Not to sure who's pants they're holding up though. It feels like the city is lying down and snaking through the city like a black river with confetti lights. 

But.. you have these great little nooks and crannies. Once I found a butter dish that was all hand painted Art Nouveau. It was 50 smackers but I had to have it. I hope I find that little place again. I'd buyt another one. I also love your little independent restaurants and shops especially. You feel all sorts of optimism when the one-off business is thriving. (Big box stores and malls make me sad. I bet they do it to you too but you don't know it because Coca Cola and Gap ads are so full of jump around joy).

You have a love for food too. Great freaking food. All over the place. Butcher shops thrive here. We shut them down in Vancouver. Cheese shops too.. great legendary cheese shops. One of my favorite paces is my destination tonight.. FRESH.  Everything is raw and fresh and healthy and ridiculously made from vegetables and fruits and ya.. it's like a massage for my vitamin deficiencies. You make a crazy nut and chocolate shake too.. and well you are 5 blocks away.. I know it will be good.

Thanks Toronto. We might have fun before I leave ON A TRAIN. Ya, you've got that too. You can go to a train station and get on a train that chugs out of the city on a track and goes places and has wifi and dining cars. There's something so civilized about a city that has a train that will take you to another city. I really like that about you Toronto. For some reason Vancouver plays the train game only part of the year or it costs a zillion dollars to contend with the road block known as the Rocky Mountains.

One last thing.. please don't snow. I didn't pack for it.

Thanks,
Jill

it's been awhile..

Techy things are happening.. I can't talk about it.. it's all hush hush.. but the ransom is cookies.. maybe.. postings have been halted in the meantime.. sneaking one in.. maybe..

stay tuned..

in the name of art

This was a lot of fun... Michael and I went for a ride through Vancouver and all around Stanley Park. I made this little video while on my bike. It was  slightly dangerous. The part with the rollarbladers is kind of whoozy but then you get to the part where Michael runs me off the bike bath.. in name of art..Too funny.

Saturday afternoon..

The Ipod video is sooooo much fun. I walked down Commercial Drive in Vancouver today. The weather in Vancouver is Canada's best kept secret.. by the way. Here's my little video..

I ate some cheese today

I just woke up from a dream..

I was on an episode of a talk show. I was wearing a blond, dusted bouphant wig and a straw hat with a ribbon, pedal pushers and a cardigan sweater set. I had a small yellow typewritter on my lap that I was recording the "activity" for my blog at home. I don't remember what I wrote.

Also sitting there was Mightygirl. I don't remember what she was wearing, but at one point I handed her a sequined cloth bathing cap and matching vest. She told me a story of how she and her sister were wearing matching bathing caps in Amsterdam and the staff told them that because of them they would always wear rubber boots (apparently an avantegard item of fashion not normally seen.. like a cloth sequined bathing cap)

We were accompanied by two friends, one of which was a friend of my fella- Todd- who has the retro thing going on already. I don't remember the 4th guy.

We were seated to the far left of the stage on Retro chairs. The host was Stephen Colbert, I think..but I can't remember. Apparently we didn't have anything to say as a group at all and we were waiting for a vote results to come in??? At one point the host said.. 'The audience has to go home, we need the internet to go home.'

There was an intermission and the lights went up and I looked down at the audience ( we were on a high school like stage/ auditorium except the drop to the audience was much bigger). The audience was all decked out in 50's ball gowns, sequins, tiaras, skinny suits, gloves, etc.. and I thought to myself.. wow..this is where you can come if you want to be in the past.

Mightygirl took a photo of us and that's when I first realized, I was also dressed in clothes from the past.

The intermission had a musical act which was like Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" video.. all women who were dressed similar- except in my dream.. all slightly different and they all wore white face makeup, heavy black eyeliner and red lips. Some had gold tassel, some wore suits with gold ties..

I got up and saw a pair of silver strap shoes lying on a mantel.

I sat down and was wedged in beside a wall and a very large man who I joked with to move so "I could be seen".

A man in an orange suit sat down next to me instead. I don't know where Todd and Mightgirl went to.

What does it mean??

Happy Birthday Catherine

Things to do today..

1. wake Up
2. deny your age and immediately assume preferred age
3. make cinnamon toast, pour a big glass of milk
4. rub sleep from eyes
5. Load up golden ipod from loving sister
6. dance
7. get dressed

did you know...

Did you know that a lack of dairy in your diet can lead to a shortage of ice cream, Greek style yogurt, cheese on bread and milkshakes? 

Have I mentioned that I've stopped consuming all dairy products? I miss cheese on toast. I miss thick yummy Greek style yogurt with Cuban honey even more. It makes me sad to walk past the dairy aisle in the supermarket.

Today, I took the day off and went to the doctor about my persistent insomnia, feeling run down since Christmas and excessive anxiety to which he gave me a low dose of some anti- anxiety medication and an antibiotic for a severe chest infection that he could determine I had by listening to my lungs (wtf?)

Then I told him of my dietary choices..

Did you know a lack of calcium in your diet can lead to the following symptoms:

Insomnia, anxiety, nervousness, depression, fatigue, muscle and joint pains, PMS, painful periods..

I've had them all. Now I have a bottle of berry flavored Calcium Magnesium with Vitamin D and a Mega multi-vitamin. 

I'm going to lay down now with a stalk of broccoli to chew on.

Calcium..it does a body good.

I've won a million dollars

Well.. no not really. But you can imagine if I did? What do you think I would do? What would you do?

I can tell you what I think I would do..

I would run for the hills and keep my trap shut. Nothing brings out the worms out of the grass like bunch of rain.

I'd promptly look for an amazing property to turn into a guest house, a hostel or a B&B. Someplace with a lot of history and with a strong tourist flow. Like Cuba. Ha.. Like Vancouver.. like one of these.. found here on Granville Island or maybe one of these..

- buy out Catherine's student loan debt.
- go back to school leisurely and frivolously study photography and art history.
- sock a lot away very smartly.
- buy this company
- stay at my job for a while longer.
- send my friend Vince and his partner Mitch on a trip to anywhere they wanted to go.
- take my mom and sister on a trip to someplace wonderful. I don't know what I'd do for my dad or other family.
- rent a hybrid camper and drive across Canada and America taking photos.  - get a lot of tattoos.
- help you do something you've always wanted to do.
- volunteer my time more and help others.
- buy all the camera equipment I'd ever want to


And a million other things. What would you do?

mow.

IMGP0109, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Right.. the Olympics.. its not what I expected. It is what I expected. It's kind of crazy.

There are a zillion people in town. Streets are blocked off for pedestrian traffic. There are more Canadian flags flapping off plastic poles clamped to car windows, hanging off balconies, draped over shoulders like capes, or waving in the air on 'official Olympic' mittens than I have ever seen in Ottawa on Canada Day. (I've never been to Ottawa on Canada Day, but we're usually a fairly reticent nation, so I'm taking a wild assumption that only a handful of flags flap enthusiastically only on Capitol Hill).

I guess I missed the memo to face paint myself as a maple leaf before I go outside. 

The other night I went downtown to see a concert with a friend of mine. We walked to the Olympic Cauldron and found half the population of the world there as well. Volunteers sat in lifegaurd chairs with megaphones giving the crowd 'directions' to an unobstructed view of the Olympic flame. I don't think anyone was listening. In alot of ways, it was like being in NYC during Halloween. Everyone was just dressed like a hockey player or a flag.

We walked through the streets or rather we surfed on the wave of pedestrian traffic until we got to the theatre. My friend went to go get tickets and I stood there and watched the river of humanity stream past me. Salmon swimming upstream unobstructed. Lemmings in mass migration to the next food source. The metaphors could go on.. ants to a open jar of honey?? But I digress.. the unending torrent of human beings and a severe lack of identification with such a mass of people did my head in and I panicked by a lack of fellowship and sense of myself. I felt like I was being swarmed by thoughts. (ok I smoked 1/2 a joint).

 It was actually really awful and I had to ditch the concert and go home to the surprise of my friend. Tears streaming down my face.. I cabbed home and hid under the covers. The Olympics does not bring me joy or excitement. It brings me dread and feeling overwhelmed. I don't like crowds very much and  I don't like mass humanity. I wonder if it was a good idea to sign up for that flash mob on Saturday. Maybe not.

I know one thing for sure... I'll never smoke pot again.. at least not in a crowd of a zillion people. No.. I don't think I'd do it alone in a park either.

lessons

I recently had 2 unusual situations. Both involved people I did not know and had met both for the 1st time on the same day.

We all have a mutual friend who is one of the most loving, compassionate person I have ever met.

Both were weird and strange incidents where I felt like I collided head first into someone and then skidded off the boards with another. Both unsettling and kind of silently violent. Do you know what I mean? Like the air is charged with something unspoken that gets twisted up too soon and then no one can speak?

I found them both really odd due to meeting them on the same day and considering the nature of the mutual friend.. how things could derail so quickly. I kind of hoped for 2 new really cool and interesting friends..maybe still a possibility.. but wow did these 2 go on strange ride. 


The first, I found out- we both shared an interest in our mutual friend. I assumed they were also aware of the overly casual nature of the person. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. They took their relationship very seriously and when I met them and struck up a casual conversation about our mutual friend.. it caused an enormous amount of fury and rage to erupt. I was a lightning rod for a series of emails that lasted well into the early morning and then I was abruptly blocked and canceled from a shared online existence. What I learned: Sometimes, it's better to find other things in common than shared friends.

The 2nd, took a curious interest in my creative endeavors and invited me to partake in which they would be the subject. I thought it was an intriguing offer, but I admit I was skeptical as to the motivation. But I have had a history of being doubtful and suspicious of the interests of others and put it aside and accepted the offer. I realized.. I don't really enjoy having my subjects chosen for me. I would never be a good wedding photographer.. I'll say that right now. I like to take photos in a random and serendipitous way. So, I went, had dinner, felt odd and vaguely unsettled, thanked my host and left. What I find more unsettling is the product of that has been altogether ignored. So, I wonder if my skepticism was more on track than I gave it credit for. What I learned: to be up front about my abilities. I'm not a great people photographer. I know that.

What else I learned.. check your expectations at the door but keep your boundaries close to heart.

my tattoos.

not my photo..wp, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Well you know it doesn't always go as you think it will. I thought I'd be good and write everyday. Guess not. Oh well fuck it. It's been a good 46 days or so.. I have put a photo a day up on Facebook if you're there.. you can see them. Today I celebrated my rebellion by having a peppermint Aero bar. And then I crashed.

So what's been happening..

The Olympics started. You've probably been hearing about them. They were supposed to run the torch up my neighbourhood but 25000 protesters put a stop to that. It was really calm and peaceful despite news reports days later of hooliganisms.

I don't know about all of this Olympic hoopla.. some people say it's "great exposure for Vancouver" and all the jobs.. look at all the jobs that have been created.. and the developments and the free concerts and oh my..look at all the visitors bringing money to the city.. but it's the fundamentals.. the face that we celebrate someone dedicating the better part of their lives to sport. I mean, great. Don't get me wrong.. it's great to dedicate yourself to skating at rapid speeds in a giant oval..perfecting the art of hurling yourself at 140km/hr down an ice track with hair pin curves.. that's great too.. I guess I'd feel better about the same thing if we, as a society regularly celebrated the epic journeys of doctors who foregoe top end salaries to work in the worlds poorest and most neglected places. Or artists who've dedicated their lives to poetry and painting. You know what I mean? I just don't get excited for mogal skiing. Maybe a zip line down a mountain.. I might get excited for that. Or Olympic slam poetry.

Speaking of the arts.. Alexnader McQueen decided to check out early. I'm not a follower of fashiion.. but I did occasionally check out what he was up to.. the renegade bad boy of the London fashion scene.. famous for making the skull contemporary. His shows were excess and extravagant and never held inside the coloring book lines. And then he would just make some exceptionally beautiful things..like this..

 Or this dress... I love it. I think it's 3000GBP

 

It's a shame.. people says it's always the most brilliant that are the most tortured and I think that's a crass thing to say.. as though you can't be brilliant unless you're tortured. The really brilliant thing is to learn how to harness the lightning rod creative spark and keep it alive. McQueen was incredibly creative.. but he blew his spark out. Boo. 

That's enough for today.. better leave something for tomorrow, eh..

Day 11, Month 2- 100 day thing

Sorry, I've been sick again. It's been raining. The world has been arriving all week. So have all the police and the military. Maybe you've heard about the little event in Vancouver?

I'll write again tomorrow, I promise.. the whole 100 days thing.. is flawed for someone with a short attention span. Really.. should be broken down into 3x 33 day blocks.

she was all alone with her thoughts.. just a guitar and the sun to keep her company.

IMGP0004, originally uploaded by jilly71.

me and Bill

me and Bill, originally uploaded by jilly71.

day 7- month 2- 100 day thing

Sunday. Another day of feeling lost.  Life is hard sometimes. Not necessaily for me. Life could get hard though if I lost my job and ran out of money. It would take a year to get hard, I think.

No, it's just that there's so much crap and complaining and bullshit and ego's dancing. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in the sunshine with a friend. Sometimes the way when you were a kid and you could take a nap with your friend and that was that. Life being simple instead of complicated and weird.

Did I mention that I went to Edison, Wa yesterday? The last time I was there I got some lovely photos. This time.. not so much. But, I did talk a business into opening and then spent nearly all my american coin because they let me invade their holiday. A pretty vintage planter, some stamps that say PEACH and LEMON, a couple of indie CD's and a pretty floral scarf. I had lunch in a tiny tiny bakery that grew all their vegetables in the yard next door. Slow Food Bakery or something. It was yum. Edison is yum.

Tomorrow.. I'm going to give my thoughts on hamlets and T intersections.

hey girly wanna apple?

IMGP0018, originally uploaded by jilly71.


Pike Market, Seattle. Jan 2010

day 5, month 2- 100 day thing

It's Friday.

I have been demoralized by the scale.

It's nothing really, but when you drop from a Levi size 34 to 27 and the scale shows a difference of 8 lbs. Maybe I shouldn't be using a scle that weighs shipping pallets?

I discovered something else.. should know people better before trying to take their pictures. It doesn't work very well for me. But then again.. I don't really take pictures of people very often. I should work on that.

Random quote from my favorite book that fits:

"She did not plan; she merely let herself go, and the overwhelming life in her did the rest. It is only when youth is gone and experience has given us a sort of cheap courage that most of us realize how simple things are."

Tha Crack Up- F. Scott Fitzgerald, pg 149

Day 4, Month 2- 100 day thing

The Olympics are coming. Any day now. Roads are being blocked off. There are suspiciously more cyclists on the roads. There are also alot more police. Weird buildings and tents are popping up and the Canada Flag is everywhere that you almost would think its Canada Day.

One great thing is they're making it really inconvenient to drive or park a car. Maybe they won't change back and roads will stay blocked and then eventually the concrete will crack and tiny flowers will grow. Then moss will take over and the wildlife will come back. 

It's going to be a strange month.

Day 3- Month 2- 100 day thing

A bomb went off in my personal life last night. Nothing too too traumatic. Actually, it had nothing to do with me. It was like I was sitting in a cafe and and the waitress blew up after she took my order. Figuratively people. Figuratively.It's not for public consumption.. just when you blog everyday I'll just vaguely explain the daily events. Tomorrow.. maybe it will be a poem.

I did a lovely thing for a friend of mine. They didn't know it was coming, but I got the hint they really like something of mine and then I made it happen for them. I think the world of them and I hope I put a spring in their step and a glide in their stride.

Patti Smiths' book 'Just Kids" is an exceptional read. I highly recommend it. 

Dairy, Sugar, flours- check
Other issue- 1 minute?

day 2- 100 day thing

Frack. Frick. I keep skipping days. I think I ate flour yesterday too.

Wow. Vancouver is changing with this Olympic Hoo Ha. Last night there were giant moombeams shot in to the sky off the Burrard Inlet. I can only imagine it's some kind of pagan offering to the athletic gods. Roads are closing, streets are blocked off and suspiciously every bus station shelter billboard is promoting the health benefits of Coke and McDonalds.. the top corporate sponsors.

I went out to catch some live music yesterday at a new funny little place called Corderoy. Food was good. Open mike was better. Maybe I'll be back.

day 1- month 2- 100 days

I cant count the days unless I go by the dates. So back to 1. Besides it's like another clean slate. It's business time now folks. We're in 57 day countdown. It's game on.

Lets see.. what's happened... I drove to Seattle and stayed in a fancy hotel and met fancy people and had a pretty fancy time. Some of it was pretty interesting and all I can say is I had one hell of a good time and then shut the door. I bought a jack on a necklace which has made a crap load of sense to me but oddly, not to very many other people. Which I find odd.

I drove home. Then I rented another car and drove to Chilliwack and put myself up in a old hotel with a clawfoot tub that punished me with a lack of hot water. How could you do that? I wandered around Chilliwack aimlessly spending money and treating myself to anti tomboy regimes of manicures and eyebrow shaping regimes. I even wandered into a makeup counter.

Then I got all dolled up and ran late to see my dear friend Bill play with his band Bop Ensemble, which was simply amazing. This girl playing bass... sang like listening to Rickie Lee Jones ala 'Chuck E's in Love' ..But it almost wasn't meant to be.. when I arrived.. all the doors were locked. I thought I was going to burst into tears. But oddly.. the last door in the back was unlocked and I walked in the backstage area.. past the belongings and CD's and was kind of alarmed at all that but so relived I was in the building. I waited with my heart thumping wondering if I could open the door and flood the theatre with light.. I snuck in like a feather of sun and I managed to get to a seat and let Bop fill my ears and heart with bliss. I missed seeing my old friend sing and play and I fell in heart with the band.. so sweet.

I shot this little video of him teaching me to clap flamenco the next morning..on my IPOD! I know.. shut the front door!

Then we said our sad goodbyes and went our separate ways again. I heart Bill.

what day is it today

I'm getting bored of blogging everyday.

I went to Chilliwack to see a friend play over the weekend. I'm heavy in heart and have a headache.

That's all I can write today.

Jill

Day 29- 100 day challenge

IMGP0052, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Drat I missed another day. I'm not very good at these 100 day challenges. Oh vell. I'm 1/4 of the way through now.

I went to Tacoma while I was in Seattle so I could visit the museum of glass. This is the bridge of glass made of alot of Chihuly's work.

Day 27- 100 day challenge

Home from Seattle.. many a random befriending.. many a fun time.. whoa. It will all have to be blogged about later.

I shaved my head today.

Day 26- 100 day challenge

Hi. I missed yesterday. I had good reason to, but I suppose now I should fill you in.

On a quick side note.. I continue to avoid all flours, dairy and sugars successfully. It hasn't been easy when breakfast consists of giant croissants, donuts and muffins. But it's been done.

Last night, Seattle, was one of the most exciting nights of my life. It was extrodanairily cathartic and equally overwhelming.

Patti Smith was speaking on her new book, Just Kids. It happened to be only 3 blocks away. Due to the passionate adoration of her from my friend Vince, naturally I had to go. She was stunning and funny and so so lovely. Reading of running away to New York, living in the Chelsea and meeting Robert Mapplethorpe. Answeing questions, and singing solo with a guitar. She was heartwarming, self depreceating, and she filled my heart with explosions. I was completely besotted.

The end of the night, she sang Because the Night a cappella and had us all singing along and the words that I didn't know I knew flowed out of me in the pitch of the crowd. My explosions kicked the tears from my throat and into my eyes. I left that night and as soon as I could phoned Vince in tears at how beautiful it was. How much I wanted him to be there and how I could fully understand how he has been in love with her since forever.



This morning, and confirming my sneaking suspicions that I knew all along- she was sitting in the lobby of my hotel only a few feet from me. My heart jumped and fired a beat that has yet to cease. I calming walked away and then ran to my room for the book in hopes of getting one page signed. Pg 56. Because Vince had asked. She was gone by the time I got back. Silly. I should have just walked to the front desk and got a pen and paper. But that's the way the cookie crumbles.

So, there you go. It was an incredible night. It all hasn't made sense to me. There were other things that happened, but you know.. what happens in Seattle stays in Seattle.

Day 24- 100 day challenge

IMGP0041, originally uploaded by jilly71.

I went to the Tacoma Museum of Glass today. It's about a 45 minute drive from Seattle. I wouldn't say it's a museum though. It's more of a gallery. There's a hot shop where they are blowing glass live all day. It was, really kind of the best part. The other best part was the exhibit where they had taken children's drawings made into glass sculptures. Pure folly and whimsy and playful. The website for the museum has a bit of info and some of the pieces.. but they were so great. Smaller versions were for sale but sooooo expensive! What a wonderful thing for kids to see their refridgerator drawings turned into full on glass sculptures!

I was a bit disappointed there wasn't more info along the lines of the history of glass blowing or glass making. Like, when did glass first appear on the art scene in history. That's why I wouldn't call it a museum.

I did buy a souvenier though.. a glass baby head drinking glass. I LOVE IT. (and I went to a cafe that had all these Etch-A-Sketch's and the owner came by and showed us what someone left behind that was freaking amazing.)

See more photos here

Hair: 1 minute

the rendevous

IMGP0019, originally uploaded by jilly71.

Day 23- 100 day challenge

I think my metabolism has changed while I have forced myself to eat foods that are easier to convert to energy. Or the crashing from a diet with sugar and dairy dragged me down so much that now my body is in a full on reward cycle. A few weeks ago I was blabbing about a size 29 Levis. Well. they got kind of baggy. Yesterday I went back to the same store and bought the same pair in a size 27. Ok. Like I was a size 25 when I was 20 and a size 30 ever since I was 30. So.. I'm pretty much never eating sugar again. Just saying. Size 27? Seriously, I feel like I'm in a twilight zone.


Had a very bad time with my hair though. Shame. Must get back to reporting on it.

Day 22- 100 day challenge

A return to the challenge of blogging everyday. I still feel sick. I'm still a size 29 but I have a sneaking suspicion I may be a size 28.

My train trip to Seattle has been bumped in favor of being a special driver for two very important people.

I leave tonight after work. Busy busy busy..

did I miss a day?

I must have. Life goes on. Let's take a break and listen to one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever known. I met Bill when I was 17 and hitchhiking out of the South Country Fair. Back then he was a farmer near Innisfail. He gave me a ride to Red Deer. He looked at me, at my sweet 17, and told me I was bodacious or something and we've been stealing glances at one another ever since.  I run into him every 5 years or so like a guardian angel.

Day 18- 100 day challenge

Today I resisted cupcakes and chocolate cookies. Salt & Vinegar potato chips are my rescue.

Funny thing this morning.. I fell asleep with my takeout of wasabi edamame salad nearby (its really good..with rice and corn and red pepper.. I've recently discovered wasabi dried peas. OMG) and the smell of wasabi on my dreaming brain smelled like faint smoke coming through the heating vents and I awoke thinking the house was on fire. It wasn't. It was the wasabi.

Day 17- 100 day challenge

Today I pooled some Christmas money and collectively my parents bought me something that will last forever. I like to say this because they think I'm talking about a tattoo. But there is one other thing that will last forever.. Tiffany's.

I bought a "crown key" today. Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. It goes well with the heart shaped one that Michael bought me. I'm sure I'll have them both forever.

Speaking of forever, I also had 3 little rosebuds tattooed today. I swear I used my own money.

Day 16- 100 day challenge

Jane- you're right. No extension. I could end up extending endlessly to make up for transgressions. Penance: $5 to the panhandler.

I'm off on a Candida Cleanse for another 14 days. Same thing/ diet as I'm doing now but I'll take supplements to eliminate Candida and restore healthy flora.

Today I candled my ears. You take these long hollow 'candles' of muslin dipped in beeswax and light one end and stick the tapered end in your ear. The candle make a vacumn as it burns pulling ear wax out. At the end you can cut open the candle to see what treasures lie within. It was gross. I won't elaborate but I think I can hear you better.

I wrapped up 54 Furoshiki packages today and delievered them to the hotel for 54 surprises and the weather was beautiful and warm.

The tiny bell whispered midnight midnight and she bundled herself against the bed springs that looked like the insides of a watch.

 

I wrote that.

Day 15- 100 day challenge

I ate chocolate today. Not very much. But I did. I broke the cleanse for the 2nd time. Bad bad me. A stringent diet is in place for an additional 10 days. April 20th is the conclusion.

An old friend sent me his very brilliant and inspiring book. I'll write more about it later.

Photographs I took will be in 150 shops around North America starting tomorrow. I think its kind of neat.

I bought 55 Vintage scarves today to make furoshiki wrapped welcome packs.  I don't really talk about my job, but sometimes I get to do some fun things.

Day 14- 100 day challenge

I bought a new Ipod Nano 16GB with video camera today. It's green and I chose the free engraving option.."It must be Jilly cuz jam don't shake that way."

That's an old thing from the days when I danced away the blues at the Commie. A friend of mine, Brother Ray, used to sing this song called Country Girl. He subbed my name into that lyric and every time he did it my heart soared it made me feel so special.

I'm rediscovering music. I need more of it. I need to go out and see more of it. And especially for my upcoming train trip. I'm off to Seattle for work near the end of the month. Lucky for me the Amtrak is actually running from Vancouver. Fun. And staying at the W hotel.

The cleanse ended.. the restrictions on flours, dairy and sugar continues.

Day 13- 100 day challenge

I found some.. ok wait.. really, I've been eyeing the container of sour cream in my fridge. Pretty bad to have it there in the 1st place when I'm flour/dairy/sugar free. Today it got the better of me. Scrambled eggs and organic turkey sausages. And a dollop of sour cream.

Penance- spilling it all over the carpet.

Day 12- 100 day challenge

Nothing is challenging today. I'm just grateful.

I'm grateful the lights are on.
I'm grateful I'm not hungry.
I'm grateful I can run a hot bath.
I'm grateful I can walk out doors and be in a park in the next minute
I'm grateful I have warm blankets when the weather turns cold.
I'm grateful I have a job that brings me challenges and happiness and a sense of purpose.
I'm grateful my my mother is beautiful and smart and I inherited some of her genes
I'm grateful my father is creative and intelligent and I inherited some of his genes.
I'm grateful my parents straightened my crooked teeth.
I'm grateful I have unusual, inspiring friends.
I'm grateful I've never been horribly hurt either physically or emotionally.
I'm grateful I have been hurt emotionally and physically. It reminds me that I am grateful for my health.
I'm grateful my family is safe and healthy.
I'm grateful I live in Canada.
I'm grateful I'm not buried under rubble in the dark like so many in Haiti tonight.
I'm grateful I am alive.

Day 11- 100 day challenge

Day 11 of the cleanse.

It's raining daily, and I'm just starting to feel rid of the flu. No bike riding yet. I went shopping last night and tried to find the allusive pair of jeans. I pulled a size 33- the usual since the last time I tried on jeans and they were massive. I kept trying on jeans until I realized I know fit into a size 29 Levi. That hasn't happened since my early 30's. Things are looking up.

I had a tarot reading that told me good things were coming.. I have to remove a few things before they can come along though. And all the answers I'm searching for are within me. I hate that. Honestly, I wish someone would tell me what to do, sometimes.

Oh yeah.. I bought a pair of grey cashmere cocktail gloves. I love grey cashmere. 

Day 10- 100 day challenge

Day 9- 100 day challenge

I went to go see Petunia and the Vipers last night at a nearby pub last night. Rockahillbilly is one way to describe them. The first time I heard them was down on Granville Island busking and I was entranced. So, I check out the gigs now and then. And, I guess I feel into old habits because I ended up having a pint of cider and a shot and never realized the sugar content. Whoops. 9 days penance for me. It's April 19th now.

Trich: 5 minutes. Not a good day. Not a bad day. Just not great.

Day 8- 100 day challenge

My year in review based on blog posts. It's been a frivolous year of traveling (wait.. travel is never frivolous- you're right Heidi) . There wasn't much else recorded.. that's all.


Jan
Almost took glass blowing classes but then didn't.

Feb
Discovered Buddha Hands


March
Went shooting photos with my great cousin
Cooked Cuban
Went to Seattle with my mom and sister
Saw Big Brother & the Holding Co in concert

April
Booked a ticket to Cuba
Went to the Skagit County Tulip Festival with my sister
Discovered Edison, Wa
Spent a day in Toronto

May
Walked in the Worker's Rally, Havana
Travelled acros Cuba and back again
Had a mini road trip to Victoria

June
Started a 100 day cleanse to eliminate sugar, flour, dairy

July
Went to Winnipeg Manitoba in search of dear old friends
Took a bunch of photos
Discovered Saskatoon perogies with cream gravy
wrote a poem
started making lanterns
planned another trip
Tried to sell lanterns in the rain
went on a juice cleanse

August
Went to Alberta and saw family
Had my forearms tattooed
Went to Nanaimo to see my old friend Bob

September
Went back to Manitoba
Had a 1000th post
locked myself out
dressed up as goose that laid golden eggs

October
reviewed my list of 100 things to do

November
Blogged every day for NaBloPoMo
decided on color in my tattoos
Sesame St turned 40
Slickety Jim's burnt down
I made a lot of lists
it rained alot and there was a flood warning
went to Bowen Island for the day
HINI was all over the news

December
nearly finished my tattoos
made prints for Christmas presents
Went home to Alberta
saw my friend Bill and got sad that I'd spent so many years out of touch
wrote a poem
Got really sick

Day 7- 100 day challenge

When in doubt use what you have

brown chicken breast
search for some sort of casserole dish with lid
chop onions
chop potatoes
cut up a carrot or 2
line bottom of casserole dish with onions/ potatoes
season chicken breast with salt/ pepper
add chopped garlic to casserole dish
chop up 1/2 yam left over from soup, toss in with potatoes/ onion
put chicken breast on bed of veggies
rinse a can of chickpeas and add
add a can of stewed romas tomatoes
cut up any big chunks of tomatoe
season with basil, salt/ pepper
cover and bake @400'C or until carrots are soft

Tada. No flour, dairy or sugar.

Trich: 1 minute.

Day 6- 100 day challenge

Today is the 4 yr anniversary of my blog. In 4 years I've posted 1055 posts. It's an uncountable number or words, paragraphs, poems ( well maybe 4 or 5), pictures, and other emphemera.

But there you have it. 4 years of my life documented. Here's this post that started it all...

Day 5- 100 day challenge

I've bored myself to death with writing about what food I'm eating. So no more. I'll just talk about my moods for the next 95 days.

For a week of so I've been having existential angst that I've wrecked my life. Silly, I'm sure, that seems. I don't know what to say except I've been waking up in panic and states of disbelief and disconnection. I don't know what to do.

Is it the sugar leaving my body?

Um.. 10 hrs later I'm swinging from a rainbow and I think I have the world on a string. WTF

Day 4- 100 day challenge

Countdown to April 10

Isn't it a bit boring, really, to hear what I've digested in a day? I mean, no one cares what you had for lunch. But then again, my blog isn't exactly charging the way of readership.

Breaky:
2 cups porridge, almond milk, almonds, dates, oranges
1 cup of coffee, 1 glass of water
Trich: 0

1 phone relocated.
1 taxi to work
It's raining.

1 new wool sweater in use.

to be continued...

soup..
I know this butcher place down on Granville Island that cut up the bacon slab ends and vacumn pack them into little balls of bacon bits. You can get a pack for about $5. Take that and stir fry in a little oil, onion, garlic at the bottom of a soup pot.

Add potatoes, carrots, yams, celery, red pepper
Salt & Pepper, tarragon or basil

Shzamm. Bacon & Potato soup.

Dinner.

I feel dark and unworthy. Needy. Greedy and sullen, tonight. It must be the sugar coming out. Or the sick.

Trich- 45 sec

Day 3- 100 day challenge

Due date: 10 April 2010

I was supposed to go to East is East on Broadway to meet up with a friend but instead I went to East is East on Main St. Bugger. One new year resolution is to have  a bigger group of friends and one that resides outside of work. I've been in a terrible rut of having my social life filled in by work and then not really maintaining any friendships outside of it. Tres bad. So, I had an invite today to meet with a friend and her friends and well.. how can you say no. But I got lost along the way and ended up at Locus on main St for breaky.

I phoned a dear friend of mine and we met up at Granville Island, one of my favorite places to be in the whole of Vancouver. A foodie wonderland. She introduced me to a girl who's right eye is blotched with brown, like mine. (my eyes are blue except for a brown splotch in one). If you have one, you often immediately spot one. I've met only a handful of people who share the characteristic. We thought maybe we should start a facebook group in hopes we'd find more people and then have a conference about recessive eye color genes and their fight to represent.

Sonia and I went downtown and 2 fortuitous events occurred.

1- I found a sweater I really wanted in Red Deer but that Gap didn't have my size. I found it in the Gap in Vancouver!

2- I left my phone behind in a bathroom. Not sure if this is fortuitous or not. But it's an event. Bugger.

So, my day started with one friend and ended with another. Thank god I'm up and about and not pining over gorgeous older men.

Sorry, I know its probably dreadfully boring, but Iam challenging myself to eat better and leave my hair alone..If I write it down publically everyday, I'm less likely to mess up. Especially with the trich. Come on root for me.

Lunch:
3 eggs scrambled
roasted potatoes
fruit- watermelon, canteloupe, honeydew, orange
2 cups coffee
2 glasses water
Dinner:
Large salad- greens, carrots, beets, almonds, sunflower seeds, cucumber dressed with oil/ vinegar
2 glasses of water
2 cups of tea

trich- 0 minutes

 

Day 2- 100 day challenge

Due date: 10 April 2010

It's not easy to eliminate all flours, sugars and dairy immediately. You have to read everything that is in a package. Why is cane sugar in everything? Sigh.

Today has not been a big food day. I better get better or I will alarm my mother

2 eggs scrambled, roasted potatoes, beans
2 cups of chamomile tea
2 glasses of water
3 oranges
1/2 apple
a handful of almonds
small bag of popcorn
bowl of tomatoe soup
Trich- 30 seconds

Over the years, I definitely see a pattern of becoming preoccupied with the attention of certain men. I could list them, but lets not go there. But what I can list is that they have all been creative, aloof, independent, good looking, great kissers. And I become so preoccupied that I begin to obsess over my own shortfalls and insecurities. Why? Oddly, the same qualities I describe these men are qualities I also have. I think it's some kind of break in my psyche that has become disconnected from my inner male, so when I meet these men that resonate with this piece of me, I cling to them in some way of feeling complete?? But how did the break happen in the first place?

I usually attribute all my problems with intimacy/ men to the death of my grandfather when I was 5. My grandfather adored me and I adored him. He would wait on the porch step for me and gleem in delight when I ran down the path. Pure joy. It was pure joy for him to see me and I knew it. I doubt I was able to process his death properly at 5. When I think of these men that I become so strongly attracted to, I have wanted all of them to adore me and hold me and protect me, like my grandfather. They've all had this feeling to me that I could fall into their eyes and arms and somehow magically everything would be alright.

Naturally, this isn't possible. These men are not my grandfather. I don't think my grandfather was particularly aloof, but maybe he appeared that out of reach for my 5 yr old mind. I don't know really what it is, I just see a pattern and it bothers me. It's happened again and I'm preoccupied and anxious and trying to make sure they keep paying attention to me. Really, I need to pay attention to myself and fill my own needs and be deliciously thrilled to see me.

Know what I mean? Sometimes you just need to talk about it a bit too. It's a bit silly, but the feelings are really powerful and I don't really understand why. By the way, Clint Eastwood could be one of these magical men. Its a combination of the blue eyes, creative spirit, working hands, and a smell of dust and tobacco. If you're prone to jeans and t shirts, I could fall in love with you.

It's a new year.

It's Jan 1. It's a time for rituals, reflections, and resolutions. Some people reflect on the year and set goals for the new one. Some cleanse themselves of past transgressions. Some part take in the ritual of the annual Vancouver Polar Bear Swim at English Bay. And some get dressed up in hot pink bikini bottoms and encase themselves in a giant bubble.

Onwards and upwards 2010. It's going to be an interesting year.

Day 1- 100 day challenge

Due date: 10 April 2010

I've challenge my self starting Jan 1, to eliminate sugars, flours and dairy products from my diet. By default, that leaves me with whole grains, nuts, beans, vegetables, fruits, meat, poultry, fish and water.And too blog everyday about it.

Today I started the Wild Rose Cleanse. It helps get you on the good food and off the bad.

Off to English Bay to photograph the Polar Bear Swim

Breakfast- large bowl of mixed greens, a few dates, half an apple dressed with oil, vinegar and 1/4 white onion. 2 glasses of water.

Dinner- small salad; dressed with lemon juice & oil. Organic meat patty; no bun, side order of fries, black coffee, water