Due date: 10 April 2010
It's not easy to eliminate all flours, sugars and dairy immediately. You have to read everything that is in a package. Why is cane sugar in everything? Sigh.
Today has not been a big food day. I better get better or I will alarm my mother
2 eggs scrambled, roasted potatoes, beans
2 cups of chamomile tea
2 glasses of water
3 oranges
1/2 apple
a handful of almonds
small bag of popcorn
bowl of tomatoe soup
Trich- 30 seconds
Over the years, I definitely see a pattern of becoming preoccupied with the attention of certain men. I could list them, but lets not go there. But what I can list is that they have all been creative, aloof, independent, good looking, great kissers. And I become so preoccupied that I begin to obsess over my own shortfalls and insecurities. Why? Oddly, the same qualities I describe these men are qualities I also have. I think it's some kind of break in my psyche that has become disconnected from my inner male, so when I meet these men that resonate with this piece of me, I cling to them in some way of feeling complete?? But how did the break happen in the first place?
I usually attribute all my problems with intimacy/ men to the death of my grandfather when I was 5. My grandfather adored me and I adored him. He would wait on the porch step for me and gleem in delight when I ran down the path. Pure joy. It was pure joy for him to see me and I knew it. I doubt I was able to process his death properly at 5. When I think of these men that I become so strongly attracted to, I have wanted all of them to adore me and hold me and protect me, like my grandfather. They've all had this feeling to me that I could fall into their eyes and arms and somehow magically everything would be alright.
Naturally, this isn't possible. These men are not my grandfather. I don't think my grandfather was particularly aloof, but maybe he appeared that out of reach for my 5 yr old mind. I don't know really what it is, I just see a pattern and it bothers me. It's happened again and I'm preoccupied and anxious and trying to make sure they keep paying attention to me. Really, I need to pay attention to myself and fill my own needs and be deliciously thrilled to see me.
Know what I mean? Sometimes you just need to talk about it a bit too. It's a bit silly, but the feelings are really powerful and I don't really understand why. By the way, Clint Eastwood could be one of these magical men. Its a combination of the blue eyes, creative spirit, working hands, and a smell of dust and tobacco. If you're prone to jeans and t shirts, I could fall in love with you.
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